


The Heart Wants What It Wants

by sweetlolixo



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, M/M, Uruha regretting for being such a dickwad to Aoi, domestic abuse, dub-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 19:59:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7328452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetlolixo/pseuds/sweetlolixo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Don’t be angry with me, Yuu. Please don’t be. You know I need you. I need us. You know without you, I’m nothing. If you leave me, I’ll kill myself. I can’t stand being apart from you. I love you.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart Wants What It Wants

**Author's Note:**

> Fic originally posted onto LiveJournal [here](http://sweetlolixo.livejournal.com/214512.html) on November 07, 2014.
> 
> Inspired by [this](http://lovrina.tumblr.com/post/101920982427/selena-gomez-the-heart-wants-what-it-wants-no) song.

_I’ll change. You see? I love you so much. I’ll never hurt you again._  
  
Yuu’s glassy eyes flickered over the empty room, hesitating as he took steps into their bedroom, suddenly feeling at a loss of what to do. The past few days had been strange, and confusing, and Yuu had found himself shuffling around the house with little chores to do, slipping into a daze every now and then and only realizing he was staring into blank space later.  
  
Kouyou’s scent of cologne still lingers in the air, and the sheets are still full of his warmth, but he’s not there. He’s no longer here, and he probably won’t, Yuu always tries to remind himself, tries to comfort himself in a bid to force a smile past his cheeks. Yuu should feel relieved, but he isn’t. Yuu should feel safe, but he isn’t. Yuu should be thankful, but he – _isn’t_.  
  
This is their apartment. _Was_ , their apartment, and now it’s just Yuu’s. They already had plans to move to a bigger house, to perhaps accommodate children – something they had in their future plans. Kouyou paid for everything; he’d convinced Yuu to quit his job after their marriage, in a bid to spend more time with Yuu, since Kouyou’s own work was already so taxing and that meant he had to come home late, and he wanted to see Yuu as much as he could. Yuu hadn’t protested much at Kouyou’s request, and though his afternoons are idle and he spends most of his time browsing cookbooks or watching variety shows on the television, he finds peace and content in being Kouyou’s own little housewife. Though, Yuu probably should have seen the warning signs from there on.  
  
There was, of course, the usual possessiveness a lover should have. Kouyou had always been slightly more insecure than Yuu’s ex-lovers, but Yuu just thought it was something Kouyou had developed due to his abusive childhood, as well as subsequent bad relationships in the past. During the course of their courtship, there would be apparent displeasure on Kouyou’s face if Yuu declined to meet him in favor to spending time with his other friends, but Yuu just thought Kouyou was being jealous like every other lover would. There was never anything serious; Kouyou didn’t force Yuu to act on things he didn't want, and he was patient and understanding when it came to giving in to Yuu’s requests. In Yuu’s eyes, Kouyou was always fragile, and just needed the security that Yuu happily provided him.  
  
_But you’re the only person to have loved me so much. And if you go, I don’t know what I’d do, Yuu. I have no one else. You’re the only thing that keeps me here._  
  
Yuu eyes the silver band around his ring finger, sucking in a breath as he remembers the last time he had accidentally taken it off. He usually took it off before he did the laundry, and put it back on after, but there was once Yutaka had spontaneously called him out for some coffee and Yuu had abandoned his laundry mid-way, deciding it wasn’t much harm to meet Yutaka for a little café date. It was rare Yutaka dropped in on their hometown anyway, considering he was a well-known restaurant critic nowadays and travelled regularly for his job.  
  
Yuu had left the ring on the sink, and by the time Yuu came back to their apartment, it was already time to prepare dinner. Kouyou would be back in half an hour or so, and Yuu didn’t want his husband to have to wait long on a growling stomach.  
  
They never actually got to eating dinner that day. Yuu had heard the keys turning in the front door, and when Kouyou stepped in with a briefcase in hand as usual, Yuu had gone to him, still in his floral kitchen apron, giving him a soft kiss against the lips to welcome him home. Kouyou had smiled pleasantly to his wife, weary eyes gazing down Yuu’s face, exchanging small talk – How did today go? _Well, it went fine, really, I just missed your face too much…_ – until Yuu turned to lead him to the dining table, hoping Kouyou would like the new chicken recipe he tried today, a dish he’d spent his past few afternoons trying to master.  
  
But as soon as they settled down around the table, Kouyou’s smile vanished once they fleeted past Yuu’s empty fingers and found them void of evidence of their marriage. Yuu hadn’t even noticed himself, until –  
  
_You’re not wearing your ring._ Am I? _You aren’t._ _Where’s your ring?_ O-Oh god. Maybe I left it in the room. _Why aren’t you wearing your ring?_ I was doing the laundry today, I take it off when I do the laundry– _You lie. Did you go out today?_ I did… but only for a short coffee date with Yutaka. He dropped in today and– _You’re cheating on me. You took off your ring because you wanted to seduce him, didn’t you? I can’t believe you. What a fucking whore._  
  
I’m not cheating on you, Yuu had asserted firmly, though tears were gradually clouding his eyes. I can’t believe you would think that of me, Kouyou, when I’ve been waiting for you at home all these time.  
  
_I work all day and night just to give you a good life and this is how you fucking repay me. You whore around behind my back. You won’t even admit it to me. What the fuck is wrong with you?_  
  
Me? _Me?_ Yuu found himself wondering, after Kouyou strode over to him and pulled Yuu up, backing him up against the nearest wall with dark, murderous eyes, seething with a kind of anger Yuu hadn’t seen before. And then his husband’s hand was suddenly around Yuu’s throat, and the tears that Yuu was holding back were definitely spilling now. Yuu struggled to breathe, choking out apologies, but Kouyou kept saying all – _these –_ things in that low raspy voice of his, squeezing the life out of Yuu at the same time, and it confused Yuu, and it frightened him to death.  
  
_The next time I find out you’ve left this house without telling me, you’re dead._  
  
_You’re nothing without me, Yuu._  
  
_I don’t want to have to teach you these kind of lessons, Yuu. You understand? I don’t want to hurt you. But I will, if I have to._  
  
Yuu had thought it was a one-off thing; it was just because Kouyou had had a bad day, and he desperately needed something to let out his anger on. But Yuu later came to realize that a hand against his throat was the least of his worries; it only took a month later, when Yuu was slumped against their bedroom floor with pink and purple bruises littering down his arms, that he realized something was wrong. Something was horribly wrong. And Kouyou kept yelling, kept cursing at him, calling him awful names, and accusing him of things Yuu would never dream of doing.  
  
Yuu always retreated to their guest room after it happened. After Kouyou was done with hurting Yuu, taking his delicate body into his hands and decorating it with a myriad of scars and bruises. Yuu found himself hiding away in the guest room, curled up against the cold bed, shivering under the sheets. He would sob wordlessly to himself, wondering whatever he had done wrong, when he spent his days doing house chores in their apartment and never leaving it to go anywhere else. He wasn’t allowed to see anyone, talk to anyone, _call_ anyone, and by the third month, Kouyou had already taken his cellphone away.  
  
It got worse and worse, Kouyou’s blatant mistrust of Yuu and his activities. But each time it happened, Kouyou always found some way to make it up to Yuu. At first it was in the form of roses and boxes of chocolates he’d bring home after a long day, and then it was in the form of handwritten poems and love letters that Kouyou would slip under the guest door Yuu was hiding behind, and then it was in the form of soft kisses and murmured apologies as Kouyou stroked Yuu tenderly in his embrace and cuddled his broken self until he fell asleep.  
  
_I’m so sorry, Yuu. I love you so much. I’ll never hurt you again, I promise. I’ll take you out for dinner tomorrow. Do you need me to buy you something? Perhaps your favorite author’s latest book?_  
  
_Yuu, please stop crying. You’re so much beautiful without tears on your cheeks, hmm? Yuu, Kouyou’s so, so sorry. I love you so much, my beautiful wife. Do you need me to take tomorrow off so I can spend some time with you? I love you, babe._  
  
_Don’t be angry with me, Yuu. Please don’t be. You know I need you. I need us. You know without you, I’m nothing. If you leave me, I’ll kill myself. I can’t stand being apart from you. I love you._  
  
It felt harder and harder to crawl into bed with Kouyou at night, and when Kouyou’s arm moved to curl around Yuu and pull him closer to him, Yuu had never felt more suffocated.  
  
There were still bruises on his hip, so Kouyou cleverly avoided touching him there, and Yuu wonders if Kouyou even feels remorse for what he does.  
  
And at the end of it all, Yuu wonders if Kouyou even thinks it’s _right_. To do this to him. To treat Yuu like a possession, something Kouyou owned, and had a right over after their marriage. That just because Kouyou was the only one supporting him, and giving him everything he wanted, that it gave Kouyou the power to control and dictate Yuu’s life, and that it gave Kouyou authority over Yuu’s body.  
  
Yuu never complained, though. And it’s funny, because after all these time, Yuu still loves Kouyou dearly, and he wonders if maybe _Yuu_ is the one that has ruined Kouyou. Perhaps there was something about Yuu that unleashed the beast inside of Kouyou, perhaps it somehow all boiled down to Yuu’s fault that the otherwise so fragile, so understanding Kouyou could turn into _this_ , the demon that Yuu had never thought Kouyou could be. Perhaps Kouyou was innocent in all of this, and Kouyou just needed Yuu to convince him that Yuu loved him enough to not… require all of these… _lessons_. Perhaps…  
  
Perhaps it would get better someday.  
  
And Yuu already knows it’s toxic, that he will die if he continues living this way, but they’re not even a year into their marriage and it was already crumbling right before his eyes, and Yuu finds it hard to stomach the fact. Because he’d had so much confidence in this marriage, what with Kouyou’s gentleness and the way he treated him like no ex-lover ever did, and Yuu had been convinced Kouyou would never, ever, hurt him.  
  
Perhaps it was because Kouyou was abused as a child. He used to speak of his abusive alcoholic father, and a mother that never once gave a shit about him. Perhaps Kouyou was trying to retain some control over Yuu’s life through all these physical treatment, because it was the only thing he’d known of, to try and keep the people he loved close to him this way.  
  
Perhaps Kouyou was innocent.  
  
Perhaps Yuu was lying to himself.  
  
~  
  
Lovemaking had always been a precious act for them. Yuu relished in all of Kouyou’s gentle touches, and the occasional rough, fast sex they would have on days they felt particularly needy.  
  
Kouyou would kiss Yuu softly, hands running down his hair, taking his breath away second by second. He would peel Yuu’s clothes off slowly, coarse hands caressing down past Yuu’s body, cupping his hands around Yuu’s waist. He’d make sure to ask before he did anything, afraid to hurt Yuu, putting Yuu’s desires over his own ones. He’d kiss every part of Yuu’s skin, worshipping Yuu’s body like some sort of treasure. He’d trace confessions of love onto him with his fingers, and he’d make sure to tell Yuu how beautiful he was, each time he pushed inside of him and felt as if heaven blinded his senses.  
  
But when the abuse started, it suddenly didn’t mean a thing anymore. Yuu would feel Kouyou pulling at his hair, throwing him against the floor, wall, or onto the bed. Kouyou would order the raven to strip, or if he was impatient, he’d demand Yuu to perform oral sex on him.  
  
Yuu didn’t know if it was erotic for him – to see Yuu down on his knees, tears streaking down his face, trying avidly not to choke on Kouyou’s cock in his mouth. And still he did it, anyway, shaking and shivering out in the cold, feeling shame wash over his cheeks.  
  
_You’ll do this to prove that you love me_ , Kouyou would say, to reason with his acts. _You’ll do this so I can feel that you do. It’ll comfort me. You’re my wife, Yuu. I want to know you love me._  
  
Kouyou wouldn’t neglect Yuu, either; he’d make sure to give Yuu some sort of pleasure afterwards, even though Yuu protested noisily and tried to pull away from his grasp. Kouyou wouldn’t leave him alone until the raven would cum, though. There was something about Kouyou that made him feel like the only sexual pleasure Yuu could attain would be delivered from Kouyou’s hands himself, and he didn’t want to see it any other way.  
  
_Do you feel good?_ Yes, yes I do, Kouyou. _That’s good. You’re mine and only mine, Yuu._  
  
Yuu wanted so much to tell him that he was already his from so long ago, that Yuu had never belonged to anyone else other than Kouyou. That even without Kouyou coercing him, Yuu had already decided his heart and body would be Kouyou’s. That Yuu had already chosen to dedicate his love to his husband. That Yuu never even thought of leaving him. That Yuu never needed to be told otherwise.  
  
~  
  
Takanori eventually realized what was happening. Akira and Takanori were the couple’s close friends, and they’d found it strange that Kouyou and Yuu hadn’t been hanging out with them as much as they used to, and had been keeping to themselves too much lately. Akira and Takanori had invited them to their house for dinner, and Kouyou had to politely accept the invitation, though he made it clear to Yuu that he wasn’t looking forward to it at all.  
  
Akira’s your best friend, Yuu had said, though he still remained very much tight-lipped, afraid to step out of line and invoke some kind of wrath from his husband. Perhaps it’ll be fun.  
  
_Perhaps not. Akira and Takanori have way too much time on their hands. Anyway, you’ll dress appropriately for the occasion, won’t you?_  
  
Yuu knew Kouyou didn’t want anyone to know about the way Kouyou treated him, and he felt disgusted at that fact, and yet he couldn’t blame his husband at the same time. If anyone knew, he knew their relationship would break apart. And Kouyou clearly didn’t want to lose Yuu. Nor did Yuu want to lose Kouyou.  
  
Yuu eventually found a modest looking outfit, with long sleeves that covered up evidence of their torturous relationship. Kouyou clucked his tongue in approval when he saw it, and though Yuu had reached for some make-up, Kouyou objected to it.  
  
_No make-up. You don't need to make yourself up like a vixen for them. Or are you planning to seduce Akira too?_  
  
Yuu felt like he was on the verge of tears at the remark, and decided to not respond, just quietly following Kouyou to the car to make their way to their best friends’ apartment. Secretly he was glad he was finally spending some time with people other than Kouyou – he’d spent far too long locked up in their apartment, afraid to keep in contact with anyone else, and the thought of seeing Takanori again gave him some reason to feel excited for the first time in a long, long time.  
  
There was another small part of him that was hoping they would notice something wrong, too. There was a small part of him that wanted to receive help, there was a small part of him that was dying and needed someone to take him away from Kouyou’s clutches.  
  
And when Takanori received the couple at their doorstep and brought Yuu into his arms, Yuu found himself hugging his brunet best friend whole-heartedly, almost crying in relief at the sight of familiar comfort. He could feel Kouyou’s eyes burning into the back of his skull, clearly not liking the way Yuu seemed to be enjoying physical touch with Takanori so much, and Yuu was almost certain he would get hit for that later, when they were back at home. But for now, Yuu didn’t care – Yuu didn’t care about anything at all. Takanori was here, and for the next few hours, Yuu was safe, at least. Yuu was okay.  
  
Dinner went well, but Yuu had been too quiet for his own good and Kouyou had been speaking too much for him that it made the atmosphere all too suspicious. Takanori hadn’t been used to seeing the usual cheery, lively raven-haired remain so silent, and when dinner was over and their husbands were in the living room watching television, Takanori and Yuu did the dishes together and Takanori saw his opportunity to speak privately to him.  
  
_Is there something wrong?_ No, it’s fine, Taka. _You’re not yourself. What’s wrong?_ Nothing… Just tired. I’m just happy to see you. _Yuu, you better tell me before I march over there and ask Kouyou myself. Has he been treating you badly? What happened? What’s wrong?_ Please don’t ask Kouyou. Please. There’s nothing going on, Taka, I promise you… _That’s it._ No! No, please…  
  
The long sleeves were a dead giveaway. Takanori rolled up Yuu’s sleeves against Yuu’s protests and his eyes had widened at the sight of signs of Yuu’s abuse. Takanori’s eyes had watered then, his face paling at the horrible looking arms, with reddening cuts, and new wounds inflicted upon open wounds.  
  
_I’ll get you help, I promise, Yuu. Not now, because Kouyou could still hurt you, but I’ll definitely get help for you. I’ll take you away in the next couple of days. I’ll get the police to step in. Don’t tell Kouyou. I’ll save you._  
  
Yuu didn’t tell.  
  
He went home that night, feeling like a huge burden had finally been lifted off his chest. And even though Kouyou initiated lovemaking that night, Yuu didn’t cry for the first time; and found reason to relax as Kouyou thrust inside of him, whimpering softly as Kouyou finished in him, groaning as he did so. Yuu found himself going to sleep with peaceful thoughts that night, wondering if Takanori would keep to his promise of saving him.  
  
And then, as Kouyou kissed him softly against the forehead and murmured an _I love you_ to Yuu, Yuu felt a small inkling of dread seeping into him.  
  
_I love you too_ , Yuu murmured, snuggling up to his husband’s chest, and his heart fell when he realized just how much he meant it.  
  
He was still so much in love with Kouyou.  
  
And suddenly leaving him didn’t seem so appealing anymore.  
  
~  
  
The police came later that week. Takanori had called for officers from a domestic abuse organization to come, too, and he’d even prepared for a lawyer.  
  
It had happened on a normal Saturday, and Yuu and Kouyou were casually cuddling after their breakfast. They lay on the couch, just lazily drifting in and out of sleep, watching some soap opera on television, and it had felt peaceful. It felt nice. Yuu had laughed as Kouyou made a snarky remark about the overly dramatic couple on television, and had made a small noise of content as his husband dipped his head over and trailed kisses down his ear.  
  
And then there was a knock on the door and Yuu wanted to cry.  
  
Kouyou left Yuu lying against couch, standing up, puzzled by the sudden company. _Did you know we were having company, Yuu?_ Kouyou had asked, bemused. Yuu shook his head, the only time he has ever truthfully lied to Kouyou. _No, I didn’t, Kouyou_.  
  
Kouyou’s face when he opened the door and saw the police officers was – well. Yuu had never seen a more heartbreaking sight, and he’d never seen Kouyou look more betrayed, his eyes in pain, his face looking more shocked than he’d ever been. And then there was anger, definitely, but the fear in Kouyou’s eyes won out, and Yuu found himself regretting everything. He could have protected Kouyou, but he didn’t. He could have stopped Takanori, but he didn’t.  
  
_Takashima Kouyou, you’re under arrest for domestic abuse._  
  
_But I_ , Kouyou had struggled to say, his eyes looking back to Yuu under a thousand layers of sadness, _I love Yuu so much. You don’t understand. You’ve made a mistake. You can’t take him away from me. We’re fine. Aren’t we, Yuu?_  
  
Yuu couldn’t find it in him to respond, and he watched as Kouyou left their apartment in handcuffs, his back hunched, his shoulders slumped. Yuu had never seen Kouyou look more upset, and Yuu wondered if he would ever see Kouyou again.  
  
Takanori came to see Yuu shortly later, and he filled Yuu in on all that would happen. They would take Kouyou to court. They could make Kouyou give Yuu this apartment, and probably a sum of money if Yuu needed to get by without a job. They could also get a restraining order against Kouyou, and then Yuu wouldn’t ever get hurt again. And of course, a divorce was in order. And then Yuu would be free. Yuu would be able to breathe again.  
  
Yuu found himself resisting the urge to ask if he could just drop the lawsuit.  
  
Takanori remembered to add, _I saw Kouyou at the police station earlier. He was in tears. I guess he’s finally remorseful for all that he’s done, eh?_  
  
And Yuu wanted to reply, _no, no, he’s not. He misses me and he needs me and I’m not there for him. Takanori, please let me go to him. Please just let me protect him._  
  
But Yuu didn’t.  
  
_When’s the date of the trial?_ Yuu asked, and he went to sleep later that night, dreaming of the family Kouyou and Yuu would never have together.  
  
~  
  
They got it. They got everything they asked for through the lawsuit, because Yuu had enough evidence to offer, and thus so Yuu would never see Kouyou again. Well, not anywhere within a 10 feet radius, anyway, and the day they got the final verdict of the trial, Yuu had gone home and cried his eyes out.  
  
He knows it’s better now. He knows he will never get hurt again. But the bed’s getting cold, and it’s been slightly over a month since Kouyou had kissed him and held him in his arms. And he’s so used to being with him for so long that Yuu doesn’t know how to be on his own, anymore.  
  
Takanori had offered Yuu to stay with him and Akira until Yuu felt better to live alone again, but Yuu declined. He didn’t want to be intruding upon another person’s marriage just because of the failure of his own one, and Takanori had already done enough for him.  
  
Yuu found himself crawling to sleep every night, wrapped in thick blankets and counting the amount of contusions still left visible on his arms. They were slowly recovering, and most have lightened to the point of oblivion. But the most brutal ones stayed. Especially the one in his heart.  
  
Yuu and Kouyou’s bed is too big, for Yuu alone, and silently Yuu wonders what kind of place Kouyou is staying in now. What was he doing? Was he okay? How was he coping? If Yuu wasn’t there for him, what would happen to Kouyou?  
  
Yuu spends his days cooped up in his apartment, having gotten so used to doing house chores and staying in, waiting for Kouyou to come home, that the idea of going out to work seems foreign to him now. Yuu looks through their past photo albums, traces fingers past their photo frames, and watches videos they’d filmed at their wedding. They had been so happy. Kouyou had been so good to him.  
  
Yuu wonders if he’d made a mistake.  
  
~  
  
They’re both still so much in love. And it’s so toxic, but they don’t care. And three months later, when Yuu’s lounging in the living room and he hears his phone ring with a text, he feels a certain hope stirring in his chest.  
  
He goes over to pick his phone up, and when his eyes land on Kouyou’s name as the sender, Yuu can’t stop smiling to himself.  
  
_I know I’m not supposed to do this. And you can get me arrested for this again, whatever, but I had to take my chances. I still love you. And I will do anything to get you back, Yuu, please. I miss you so much. I think of you everyday and it pains me to think of you having found someone else to be with. Please tell me you still love me. Please tell me you can’t live without me. Please tell me I’m not alone in this._  
  
Yuu’s too excited to reply to the text, though as his fingers drift over the keyboard he wonders if he should _really_ reply to it. It’s going against for what he had fought for, it’s going against the purpose of leaving him in the first place. It’s going against everything he tried to get away from.  
  
But he still loved him so goddamn much.  
  
_I’m sorry,_ Yuu finds himself typing, tears staining his cheeks. _I love you too._  
  
Kouyou’s text comes a second later.  
  
_Tell me I can see you again, please_  
  
Yuu bites his lip at the message, deliberating over it carefully.  
  
_I don’t know, Kouyou._  
  
But Kouyou didn’t press for anything else after that. Their conversations became more casual, and Yuu found them reminiscent of the times of their courtship, where they used to text each other frequently and talk about anything under the moon and sun.  
  
Yuu felt happy again. Kouyou talked about work, and how he’d been able to put up at a colleague’s apartment, someone who had an extra room to spare and didn’t mind lodging it to Kouyou for minimal rent. Life was slower when they were apart from each other, and Kouyou had been attending therapy sessions, as mandated compulsory from the trial.  
  
_I’m getting better,_ Kouyou had told Yuu. _My therapist said I had horrible insecurity issues and it all stemmed from my own abuse. She said perhaps I just wanted to feel I was control of something for once. And I dragged you into this. I’m so sorry._  
  
Yuu was relieved to hear his apology.  
  
_I know what I did was wrong, Yuu. I manipulated you and forced you into things you never wanted. I made you feel like it was your fault, I controlled you and did unspeakable things to you. I know nothing I will ever do will make up for it. But at the very least I need to let you know I will never try to hurt you again. I can’t do that to you anymore._  
  
Yuu finds himself falling asleep to dreams of having a family with Kouyou once more.  
  
~  
  
Yuu wouldn’t let Takanori know he was texting Kouyou again, but Takanori always had his ways of finding out. This time, he guessed it was through Akira, who still remained some sort of contact with Kouyou.  
  
“I can’t believe you even forgave that bastard!” Takanori had snapped at Yuu one day, after driving to his apartment in a fit of rage after hearing the news from Akira. “You’re making a big mistake. He’s going to hurt you again. Abusers never change, Yuu. I’ve seen this too many times. Kouyou’s not going to change.”  
  
“He could,” Yuu murmurs, but he’s quiet and meek when he replies.  
  
“He changed you,” Takanori pointed out. “You’re not even Yuu anymore. You’ve become _his_ Yuu, haven’t you? You don’t know what you’d be without him. He’s made you _his_. You’re gone. You’re too far gone.”  
  
“I can protect myself,” Yuu says, slightly angered this time, but both him and Takanori know it’s a lie.  
  
_You can’t_ , Takanori thinks, but he doesn’t say it.  
  
“I’m not going to forcibly make you stop talking to him,” Takanori says, defeated, after an hour of argument. “But you’re my best friend, and I can’t let you get taken advantage of like this. I’m going to be keeping an eye on the both of you, Yuu. I’m not letting you get hurt.”  
  
Yuu had hugged Takanori tightly at his words, unable to say anything else, only wanting to let the brunet know how much his support and love meant to him.  
  
~  
  
They begin talking again on the phone, and Kouyou keeps making him laugh with all the talking, filling up the void in Yuu’s desolate heart. Yuu hadn’t realized how much he’d missed Kouyou’s voice until he heard his familiar raspy tones first echo through over the phone, and then Yuu found himself bitterly smiling, clutching the phone closer to himself.  
  
“I miss your cooking,” Kouyou confessed, his voice gentle, and Yuu’s smile widened at his words, nodding his head as he heard them. “I miss holding you to sleep. I miss seeing your face the first thing in the morning when I wake up. I miss your smile. I miss everything about you.”  
  
Yuu eased his eyes shut. “Maybe I’ll cook for you again one day.”  
  
Kouyou’s voice lit up. “Really?”  
  
“Maybe I won’t,” Yuu hastily said, not wanting to give his ex-husband much hope yet. Kouyou wasn’t deterred, however.  
  
“I’ll see you again,” Kouyou murmured softly, his tone tender. “I know I will. We love each other too much. I want to make it up to you. I’ll do anything for you. I will never, ever hurt you again.”  
  
Yuu let out a choked sob. “How do I know you’re not lying?”  
  
Kouyou’s voice faltered for a moment. “Because I’ve been through hell the past half year, and I don’t think I can continue living like this, away from you. Because I’ll go crazy, Yuu. And I know you feel the same, too. You still love me. Right?”  
  
Yuu raked his hand up his hair, shaking his head to the phone. Wrong words. He’d used the wrong words to reply to him.  
  
“Stop trying to make my choices for me,” Yuu hissed, and he ended the call, throwing his phone back down onto the couch. Yuu curled up to the side, burying his head to his knees.  
  
~  
  
A week later, Yuu mustered up the courage to go out. Winter was approaching and Yuu thought it’d be nice to go out and get some coffee, and so in a light sweater and a thick blue scarf wrapped around his neck, Yuu had made his way to a nearby café. Yuu found a spot in the back of the café, by the window, and as he waited for his coffee order, he picked up a book from the shelves at the back, deciding to entertain himself in the meantime.  
  
The waiter that served him was a gorgeous blond with eyes that made Yuu melt. Yuu smiled weakly as the waiter passed him his order, and his face flushed when he realized the waiter had written a little note on the serviette under the coffee.  
  
_You’re stunning. And look like you needed a smile :)_  
  
Yuu couldn’t decide if the waiter was flirting with him or not. But it made him feel good about himself since forever, and Yuu for a moment forgot about everything else.  
  
He could hear his phone ring with a text, but Yuu didn’t bother to read it until later that night.  
  
_I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’m sorry._  
  
~  
  
They stopped talking. Yuu stopped replying to his texts, and Kouyou sent only a few more before he decided to allow Yuu his own space. Yuu eventually found work at a nearby daycare center and found enjoyment in taking care of children, since Yuu wasn’t so sure he was ever going to have his own family anymore.  
  
Kouyou and him used to talk a lot about their future and the amount of kids they would have, and the names they would give them, but it was all in the past now. Yuu spends his time now doting on toddlers and framing their adorable artworks on the classroom walls, reading them children books and playing sing-a-long with them. When they cried, Yuu would take time to coddle them until they fell asleep in his arms. After sometime, it became clear that Yuu was their favorite teacher.  
  
There was a friendly single parent – Die – who had a lovely little girl who had her hair in two pigtails all the time. He would frequently come over to talk to Yuu when he picked his daughter up from school, and two months later, he started bringing flowers along with him. Yuu refused to accept the bouquets, but the gifts kept on coming, and it was apparent that Die was wooing the raven-haired.  
  
Yuu didn’t feel ready to date again just yet; but Die convinced him to go on a date or two with him, and they went so splendid Yuu agreed for a third one.  
  
~  
  
On their third date, Die brought his daughter along with them for a simple dinner date at the mall, and Yuu smiled all the way throughout, briefly imagining a future in the back of his head with the handsome father and his adorable daughter. Yuu would be having the perfect relationship and family he never had. Yuu would be having the things he’d always dreamed of with Kouyou. Yuu would be complete, again.  
  
The three of them had been walking hand-in-hand around the mall, and Yuu had been laughing at something Die just said, when a familiar voice calling out his name halted him for a second.  
  
“Yuu?” His voice hurts like thorns, pricking from within Yuu’s constricting heart.  
  
Yuu comes into sight with his ex-husband, dressed in his work attire, looking like he’d just gotten off work. Yuu hadn’t seen Kouyou’s face for almost a year, and the sight of him – his face weathered, his eye bags heavy, his skin white-washed – is almost unrecognizable.  
  
But then as Kouyou’s eyes fall over Yuu’s hand-holding with the small child and the older man, a certain kind of realization dawns unto Kouyou’s face, and Yuu sees Kouyou quickly trying to hide the heartbreak from his face before it shows in his eyes.  
  
“I must have gotten the wrong person, sorry,” Kouyou hurriedly says, sparing one last longing glance to the raven-haired, before turning away, scurrying off, looking on the verge of tears.  
  
Yuu could hear their unspoken conversation in the air.  
  
_I was too late, wasn’t I, Yuu?_  
  
You were.

**Author's Note:**

> the main theme of this story was about how yuu can't help but keep going back to kouyou despite it being toxic, but i didn't want to end it on that note, so eventually yuu found his own place in life and realised he didn't need kouyou to fulfill his broken dreams and complete him. i was contemplating on giving them a happy ending, but sad kouyou is my forté.
> 
> comments are deeply appreciated and loved!


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